August 1st. journal entry

Constantly searching for ways to heal Heal myself and my wounds Heal without needing to consume any drug, any pill Heal myself and the deepest depths I try to cover Heal myself without needing any form of attention to make me feel accepted Heal myself without needing any form of affection to make me feel complete Heal myself and learn the name of the demons I conceal. How can I heal? When all I’m searching for is someone to have next to me to keep it real. Someone I can talk to as the night stands still. Someone I can feel. But most importantly, who can feel me. And open to talks about the fears as heavy as an anchor that can keep you drowning at sea. Someone to talk about depths undiscovered, hidden where no one can see. Someone to just listen to and ride the same frequency. To make me feel like this universe is truly one because I finally understand unity. Am I naive? Am I supposed to be in this world and only think of me? Am I supposed to cut everyone off and move independently? Cause that’s what it feels like the world is doing to me... I feel so cut off from everyone and everything Making a physical connection is becoming harder to believe. And if I share my frustration I may get judged from someone else’s eyes who stay glued to their screen. Who struggles walking the line to balance social life and work towards their dream. But it’s easy for them to judge the lonely one who screams desperately.. I feel like by the time the one comes I’m not going to know how to feel love unconditionally.. Who can I talk to that won’t judge me for being me. That won’t judge me for my loneliness or depression when it chooses to make an impression. That won’t judge me for the open soul that I am. It’s like when I choose to open, it’s too much for some. When I’m honest it’s too much for some. They don’t know how to handle it. The Honesty. The sensitivity. the different approach to connection and intimacy. Honestly I don’t know how we’ve come to terms with not being able to handle honesty. I want to be 100% transparent so you can see me for me but now it’s like an open invitation to judge me for what I may seem. Perspectives looking through a broken mirror. They tell me don’t listen to those who judge because it’s really that person judging themselves but it doesn’t make their voices any less quieter. In fact those fighting internal battles scream those words louder so their voices cover their internal voice. But why can’t I be open, honest and receive the same thing? Too many past experiences on your shoulders? Too many fears? Too many lies we can tell through our screen, it’s so much harder now to look a person in the eyes and tell them what you really mean. Because even if I gave them my mind, my eyes, my heart, they’d still only choose to see one thing. Whatever’s easiest for them to believe. Should I hide my truth in a shell and say “only come out when you feel safe?” Because I’ve come to notice it’s too hard for me to do that now. I’m like a new born turtle running to the sea so excited to discover this unknown world filled with different things; infinite waters to feel, and so much life to breathe. I’ve been writing with so much raw emotion and truth spilling from my veins I’m running out of paper and venting to a person now feels so strange. Because nowadays trust is just a game. And pure honesty is just a chain that someone else wants to grab onto and hold it as if they have the power to keep your world tamed. Honestly, honesty is becoming such a frightening thing. Because when I’m honest I don’t think they’ll ever truly understand. And the first assumption that comes to mind is what sticks like gum to their mental shoe. Then they’ll run with it and question why this conversation isn’t running smooth. But honesty is cruel so I understand their restraints. Because even when I can lie, I tell her the truth. And that generates a feeling she can’t ever get use to. My feelings aren’t the same, things change and now I’m the one left to blame. All because honesty is like a chess game, who can make the perfect move to feel the least amount of pain. Honesty is now more like a disguise. And it’s taught me to see beyond my eyes. But seriously, I want to ask when someone opens their heart to you, do you feel yourself running? And what is it you’re running from? I think being highly sensitive is the strongest trait anyone can develop. To feel. To truly feel a presence, an impact, energy and every emotion. And speak from what you feel regardless of how they’ll hear your words. To feel his pain, her pain, and the worlds pain. Their joy, their love... People run from sensitivity and vulnerability. They run from feelings because it’s so much easier to ignore what goes on in our body until it becomes an infectious disease that begins to kill us. It’s so much easier to numb what you feel and bury it as if it was a part of you, you could easily kill. But emotions can’t be kilt. And running from within is like running from your shadow in the Saturday Sun.  

#August #infinite #JournalEntry